take me down to the paradise city.

(actually writing this while listening to tapesty, thinking that it's easily one of the greatest albums ever made.)

sunday night, in the third episode of season six of the sopranos, among other goings-on, tony coma-dreamed that he was going to a man named kevin finnerty's family reunion, in a beautiful house in the country, on a warm, idyllic night. when tony gets to the property, and his dead cousin tony greets him outside the house, and it is more than hinted that his mother is inside at the party, it becomes clear that the whole scene is a metaphor for tony approaching heaven.

i thought the show did an excellent job of portraying heaven from the outside looking in, which i think is intrinsically easier, yet probably more poignant, than trying to portray what it's like to actually be in heaven. (ie, it's easier to create an impressionistic symbol of heaven, which evokes heavenly feelings, than doing a mock-up of the kingdom itself, whatever you think it might look like. furthermore, it's more elegant, and probably more effective, to represent heaven in a demure way, rather than using obvious, literal props like big pearly gates and clouds.)

so, along these lines, i got to wondering how i would stage my personal symbolic representation of heaven, if my life was a tv show say.

and i realized this. to me, heaven can be only one thing: a carousel made entirely out of mother of pearl and diamonds, spinning in infinity atop the giant, golden grundle of god, who would be standing on his head for eternity to keep this kingdom come upright. jk jk.

for me, heaven would be represented inside a baseball stadium; specifically, a tunnel, leading from an outer concourse to the seats and field inside, viewed from the concourse. because i can scarcely think of a destination more magical than the inside of a major league ballpark seemed to me the first time i saw it in person.

examine. it was, ironically, shea stadium, circa 1985 or 1986. i remember being SO psyched to go to my first baseball game, that i was fairly breathless with anticipation and excitement on the subway, then during the short walk to the ballpark. we couldn't move fast enough. the dramatic tension only mounted as we snaked our way through the turnstiles, then the various catwalks and escalators on the way to our given floor (let's say mezzanine). i could hear the telltale sounds from inside the stadium: the buzz of a crowd--the bubbling mixture of cheering and a thousand conversations going on at once, and the campy organ music, and i could smell big time baseball. finally, we reached the right landing, and found the little tunnel that would lead inside the stadium, to the section where our seats were.

i remember popping out of that tunnel into sheer vastness. the inside of shea looked so much bigger in person, and it was all grander than i ever could have imagined from tv. and boy was it all so vibrant. sure, it was a night game, and the mixture of summer twilight and stadium lighting made the place glow, but it seemed to me that colors themselves were more alive by virtue of being inside the park. the grass on the field was a majestic green i had never seen; the colors on the players' uniforms seemed to radiate; the red on all the seats seemed positively fiery. it was like anything inside that giant horseshoe took on new life just by being there. fittingly, the seats in the upper reaches of the stadium seemed impossibly high--a continuation of the sky itself. also fittingly, it was a scene i had always wanted to see for myself, and finally was, and yet it surpassed my lofty expectations. it's one of those things i'll never forget.

and i still get a chill down my spine every time i step from one of those tunnels into the wide expanse of a sports stadium or even indoor arena. (less so on the arena tip.) every time, it's like being born.

so my tv heaven scene would have me at the mouth of one of those tunnels, hearing all the telltale sounds of a mass of people engaged in something they love, with light emanating, from the other side. but i wouldn't go through the tunnel. one could never adequately portray the brightness of the colors, the majesty of the scene, by artifical means. one could only imply it. and that's the only good method for repping heaven, anyway.

(tear)

id love to hear others' personal symbols of heaven.

ps--a couple of representations of heaven i like:

Arnold Böcklin, Island of the Dead

from the met: This painting, the first of five versions done between 1880 and 1886, resulted from a request made by Marie Berna, whose husband had recently died. She asked Böcklin to paint a picture on the theme of her bereavement. In 1883, the Berlin art dealer Fritz Gurlitt provided the title by which all five versions are now known: Toteninsel, or Island of the Dead. Böcklin referred to the work as "A Still Place," "A Silent Island," and later, "Island of the Graves." (this has long been one of my favorite paintings.)

Steff Ferle, Heaven

posts are like raclette cheese.

yes, im still alive, son. filled to the brim with raclette.

new posts are currently bubbling. please be patient; i'll take them out of the oven (read: my dome) soon.

email that works.

1. the other day lina came up with a fantastic idea, and i immediately told her i was gonna blog about it, and she immediately demanded i give her credit. so i have to abandon my usual mo of plagiarizing without declaration. there you go.

anyway, she proposed that people's email addresses, instead of ending in three letters that give you no additional information about the person--like .com and .edu, should end in terms that label the users appropriately. namely, .chotch, .diced, and of course, .classy. i mean, if people are gonna have to have their names attached to extra, "domain" names like hotmail, yahoo, and harvard, those suffixes might as well say something about 'em. (incidentally, the letters after the dot in an email address are called the top-level domain.)

wouldnt that be such a help to everyone? ladies, doesnt this make your life a little easier?:
that guy you were talking to last night seemed cute.
yeah, but he gave me his email address, and it was a dot-chotch.

wouldnt it be classier if people's email addresses contained the word classy? how could that not be classy?:
you're gonna like this guy; he's all right. he's a dot-classy. he's one of us.

or, conversely:
what an asshole. just goes to show you; he's a dot-diced.

think about it. could be classy.

btw, find a more standardized, yet well-reasoned, definition of chotch here.


2. speaking of classy, does it get any better than march madness? methinks not. maybe it's a bit chotchy to love the big dance, but i say you dont have a pulse if you cant appreciate it. here are my picks in a pool i entered. yes, im posting them a day after the tourney started, but my lousy first round results (let alone the fact that espn of course locks your picks in after the start) should be enough confirmation that i made these picks before deadline.

(final four: texas vs. pitt and uconn vs. bc. like everyone and their mother, i have uconn winning it, 83-72 over texas.)

under the influence.

who is most powerful?
	george w. bush
	dick cheney
	bill gates
	ben bernanke (chairman of federal reserve)
	osama bin laden
	rupert murdoch
	john roberts
	angelina jolie
	pope benedict xvi
	matt lauer
Free polls from Pollhost.com

genius metaphor of the week.

this morning on espn radio i heard a metaphor i thought was fabulous.

the dude who usually hosts the particular hour's programming was out, to be with his wife for the birth of their second baby. the guest host was talking about having kids in general, and he was saying that the birth of a second kid can be extra scary b/c you 'have to go from a zone to a man-to-man.' this is hilarious, and prolly right on the money.

for the non-'sports people' out there, a zone defense is a strategy--and it can be applied to most team sports, i suppose, but it is most associated with basketball and football--wherein each defender is responsible for guarding an area of the court or field, as opposed to guarding a specific player. and of course, a man-to-man d is where each defender is responsible for guarding a specific offensive player.

so with the zone defense, there is an inherent diffusion of responsibility among the defenders--similar to two parents who have only one kid. but with man-to-man, each defender is directly accountable for an opposing player--similar to having two kids: one per parent. to summarize, in a zone you can sometimes let your guard down, while in a man-to-man, you never can. and thusly it is the same as going from one kid to two.

this is a genius metaphor, trust me.

of course, if i ever have kids im gonna go with a 'box-and-1.'

ALSO, FINALLY, LET THE RECORD REFLECT THAT THIS IS THE FIRST PERFECT DAY (OR AT LEAST PERFECT FRIDAY) OF 2006. THE AIR OUTSIDE REALLY IS PERFECT. ("so you're saying today is perfect?" seriously, can i buy a synonym?) IT'S JUST COOLER THAN IT IS INSIDE--IT'S IDEAL. SADLY, IT IS SUPPOSED TO RAIN LATER.

2006 oscars running diary.

(yes, i copied the 'running diary' idea from the sports guy (there is a link to him on this blog), and the structure of some of the jokes is from him, but the material herein is all mine.)

(also, this took so long just to get to this pt, that im not gonna edit it any further, b/c then it would take me till june to post it. i havent put links in for the same reason.)

(without further ado or apologies...)

im writing live from 12a at 158 adelphi, soon to be sitting here with brady, whom i will physically place on the couch next to me when she's done eating. (if she was doing anything besides eating, i wouldn't hesitate to rearrange her.) brady is going to be my ombudsman.

i have my go-to meal from farmer in the deli--the deli right across the street from my house--spread out in front of me: tuna salad sandwich (the farmer in the deli tuna salad sandwich deserves its own post, and hopefully will get one soon…), 99c large bag of utz honey barbeque potato chips, and a 99c tall boy can of arizona green tea.

farmer in the deli meal: $5.49. watching the oscars alone with your cat and a giant bag of chips: disgustingly priceless. there are some things money cant buy, for everything else there's mastercard. except this meal. the deli doesnt take mastercard. i have tried to convince them to accept the discover card, with the simple argument that hey, it pays to discover, but they wont do it.

also, a note on the Oscars: I’ve long thought that the academy awards is america’s collective return to grade schools’ inherent popularity strata. in the self-contained world of grade school, everyone knew who the popular kids were, and everyone wanted to be them, or hang out with them, or murder them. well, when you become an adult, and you’re out of school, in the ‘real world,’ the whole population you become a part of is too big and diffuse to have a popular crowd, except it does have one: Hollywood. these stars are the popular kids, so we read about them, watch them, try to meet them, etc.


The setting at the Kodak Theater on Hollywood Boulevard for the 78th Academy Awards. Jon Stewart, the host, is at the microphone.

and the Oscars is like the prom, except only the popular kids are invited and the rest of us have to watch from outside.

key --

star = has carried at least one solid movie, as the male or female lead

big star = has carried multiple movies

legend = big star that multiple generations, eg. i plus either my parents or my kids, are or should be familiar with

8.00 – let's go with this shit! Oscars baby! popular kids baby! im plotzing. plotzing, jerry, plotzing! abc starts us off with a cgi look into a magical world whose sky and atmosphere is ominously red, but which is populated only by characters from famous movies of all eras and genres, engaged (presumably perpetually) in the most famous scenes from those movies. oh hey!—james dean gets a line, then marlon brando. classy. then the dreadfully overplayed 'run forest run' sound bite. i like robin wright penn rodham clinton hoosyerdaddy; it will be a shame if her career ends up being known most for that line, which it almost assuredly will be. anyway, this montgage was great, and im even more pumped for some oscar fun! in fact, im gonna bronze my grundle during the first commercial break, as a tribute to the little statuette that brings us all such joy—Dakota fanning.

if I could live in a single movie’s universe, I think it would be ‘the little mermaid.’ one, I always thought ariel was super hot. two, I’ve always wanted to be able to breathe under water. three, ive always wanted at least a modicum of musical talent.

ubiquitous voice: ”live from the Kodak theater, in los angel….blah blah, blah blah blah!”

yeah!

now, before anything else, abc treats us to a brief plug for abc, diet coke, mastercard, jc penny, GM, and the catholic church. just kidding. there was no mention of diet coke.

8.02 – i forgot to check to see if brady was done eating, and realized this when i noticed that she is currently sitting on the other couch, just to my right. see, this is why she's my ombudsman. she's just so money. she's actually in the pose she's in in the pics on the post below, so she looks classy.

we begin with a clip of billy crystal and chris rock claiming they're 'too busy' to host the show, both in a brokebackesque tent. the obvious joke is a variation on 'isn't it funny—a best pic nominee is about gay cowboys.' the subtler, ironic part of the joke, which makes it great, is that neither of them are doing anything at all right now. i commend both for laughing at themselves like this.

then, we go to steve martin saying he couldn’t host b/c he was gonna spend more time with his kids. was this a joke about joe Montana's super bowl absence? (he was supposed to be honored at the super bowl with all the former mvp’s and declined to go, saying he wanted to spend time with his family. everyone thought this was BS and that he wanted money to attend…) whoopie Goldberg… d. letterman tops the martin joke…mel Gibson speaking in maya—i JUST read about this!—on the set of his new monstrosity…

then, the montage ends with john stewart waking up in bed next to halle berry. she tells him he’s dreaming. I still think im dreaming when I remember that she won an oscar herself. then js wakes up next to george Clooney.
js: 'is this a dream?'
Clooney: no. (lol) host the show.'


talk about classy. i have to say, i really like Clooney. he might be the definition of classy. or at least the alternate definition. or at least a synonym.

the opening thing was great. grade a. not much to mock.

…finally, ladies and gents, john stewart.

-

js

js makes a self-deprecating joke about his own minor role in movies. it was funny, classy. then js jokes about jolie and adoption, and then stars' supporting democrats. hey, where's the cheney mocking? but i know it will come. ….joke about piracy…. weak joke about cleavage that gets WAY too many laughs.

quick shots in the crowd include jack nicholson (legend) sitting next to keira knightly (star). damn. jack Nicholson is the man. how does he do it? even if he's JUST sitting next to her. it’s like a rite of passage for the current ‘it’ girl to somehow be seen with or be understood to be involved with jack Nicholson. and he’s like 300 years old.

(like, they’re never gonna pan across the crowd , and you’re gonna see jack sitting next to kelly osbourne. it aint gonna happen)

joke about spielberg making schindler's list, and then munich. js: 'as a jew, i cant wait to see what happens to us next!' i liked that. but not as much as 'bjork couldn't make it. she was trying on a dress, and dick cheney shot her.' YES!! WHOOMP THERE IT IS. that one was really outside the box. awesome.

…joke about how every movie is now a remake. appropriate.

8.13. montage of cowbow movies brilliantly shows how totally gay they were, include. refs to them holding their guns like phalluses. and a really gay scene with chuck heston and Gregory peck. all very good.

I like anything that makes Charlton heston look like a horse’s ass, b/c he is one. talk about a closet gay. what’s with his obsession with guns? also, you know he’s really faded from alzheimers right now, which is satisfying. it’s always great when god actually strikes an evil person, rather than giving child leukemia to some kid.

brady: that’s harsh.

…another shot of heath ledger and michelle Williams. i also just read today (thanks daily news) that they live in boerum hill, brooklyn. that's awesome. so ill now root for both of them. except maybe i cant root against phil hoffman. we'll see…


From left, Jennifer Garner, Diane Kruger, Uma Thurman and Nicole Kidman.

8.15 nicole kidman (BIG STAR) comes out to present the supporting actor award. she looks really hot, but her face looks looks totally frozen. not cool. yes, she looks younger, but at what price? if I had to choose btwn two ladies—one who’s pretty but cant smile or frown—and one who’s slightly less pretty, but still very attractive, and who can move her face…im choosing the latter every time. prolly.

I think that one symptom of autism is that you cant interpret facial clues. so basically, nicole’s kids could have autism, and she’d never be able to tell, since she's got no facial clues to give. either that, or she'll think her kids have autism even if they're healthy.

(INT. kidman family din-din.
nicole, after finding out about tom-kat, very upset: can't you see mommy's upset?
daughter: no, not at all.)

btw, I don’t give nicole and tom’s kids a chance in hell in this life. how could they possibly turn out well? talk about issues!

btw ii, when is Nicole coming out with her tom cruise tell-all book? or is she still under contract to the church of scientology, under penalty of death?

(peter arrives to pick up his phone, which he left here last night. he'll chill a bit…)





8.18 -- Clooney wins supporting actor for syriana and immediately says 'alright, so i wont win for director.' bwa! then he sarcastically references his having been sexiest man alice, batman, etc. he's funny and classy. all around, Clooney gives a real classy speech about movies making social progress.

peter: "take that bill o'reilly. clooney's the man.”

brady: give me hairball-control food, some clumping litter, a folded sweater to shed on, and george Clooney scratching my nose. that’s all I need in this facachta world.

8.24 tom hanks (LEGEND) does a skit about long acceptance speeches. the clarinet player in the orchestra ends up killing him with a poison dart. very funny. except tom hanks looks positively scary with the long, straightened hair.

at this pt, joking around about how the Oscars runs long is like joking about the size of movie theater food—it’s been done, even by me, on this blog. but it still feels nec. to everyone. popular kids are strange. and we feel the need to laugh at them. but we’re never gonna be famous.

esp. you.

8.26. ben stiller (star) in a green screen suit. he's just annoying me at this pt. as my mom would say: ‘enough already with him.’


Ben Stiller, in green suit, presented an Oscar to the visual effects team from "King Kong," which won three technical awards.

8.27. danny gets home. peter and I de-spoon.

8.30 best animated feature (i haven't seen any) goes to: Wallace and gromit. ive read it was good.

here we also learn that the Wallace and gromit producers are tremendously annoying and incredibly gay. i mean, incredibly. somewhere, siegfried just said ‘damn, those dudes are gay.’

(roy blinks to say ‘yes, I agree.’)

brady: montecore got a bad rap with that. I know him. he’s classy.

on the Wallace and gromit pair: danny: 'wow.'
peter: wow is right.


Nick Park, left, and Steve Box won the Oscar for best animated feature for "Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit."

8.35 dolly fucking parton. yuck.

danny says that they never get the mix right in tv music.

I say: dolly parton? are you kidding me? even if she sang this song in the movie, they should have gotten someone else to sing it on tv. someone who doesn’t look like an old birthday cake with too much congealed frosting.

8.42. we cut in on js mocking scientology. YES!! the crowd is lukewarm. tom cruise has threatened everyone's life apparently. I mean, scientology is objectively funny. not as objectively funny as the terry schiavo saga, or intelligent design, but not bad.

8.45 'chicken little and abby mallard.' (non-stars) who the fuck asked them here. who are they? from chicken little? bleh. I hate this ‘animated characters give an award’ feature.

some other animated film wins some other, slightly diff award. who cares.

8.48. Jennifer Anniston (big star; close to a TV legend) presents best costumes:

memoirs of a geisha wins. geishas who have written memoirs worldwide rejoice.

the accepting woman stutters with her very first word and danny says 't-t-t-today, junior!'

8.51. russel crowe (big star; could one day be legend) crowe looks deadly serious. why is he so fucking glum all the time? enough already. I mean, im sure it’s hard being russel crowe, but could you smile once at least? Nicole kidman thinks this guy has one facial expression.

8.57. steve karrell (star) and will ferrel (big star, TV legend) talking about makeup. theyre both wearing screwed up makeup, ferrel--burnt, karell—whited out.


Will Ferrell and Steve Carell presented the award for achievement in make-up.

best makeup: narnia.

report from England: c.s lewis unmoved.

9.00 -- what is john stewart talking about now? he’s just blathering. he lost me.

Rachel mcadams (star). we all agree she's very hot. seriously, I don’t know a man or woman who doesn’t think she’s the cat’s meow.

ironically, brady just puked.

mcadams presents a tape of herself presenting whatever Oscars to no name people.

next year you’ll be a real presenter, hon.

9.21. charlize theron presents (big star). march of the penguins beats murderball and enron.

danny: "a spineless choice."

9.22. j.lo (big star, near legend) comes out to present the song from ‘crash’.

the singers sing it with props of burning cars in the background. the set designer from 'cats' thinks this set is bullshit.

burning cars to pay homage to the movie ‘crash’? im tripping out. why aren’t the singers wearing giant airbags on their heads? .

9.30. sandra bullock (big star, barely) and k.reeves (nearly legend(!)) trot out.

danny: "two of the more inexplicably famous people on the planet"

9.35. sam Jackson (big star, near legend) comes out.

as danny says, 'this guy is the biggest clown on the planet.'

9.41 js introduces the president of the academy, jim gettis(?) who cares about this blowhard? he's like the unpopular kid who’s having a birthday party the next weekend, so all the cool kids are talking to him temporarily, and he's thrilled to death.

during his speech about 'storytelling,' they show mickey rooney in the crowd. are you fucking kidding me? what, they couldn't pan in on another corpse? how random. why not shove a camera into frank sinatra’s grave?

9.44 salma hayek comes out to present some award. she looks ridiculously good. she also sounds like she's speaking English for the first time.

(I don’t care though. Stanton and I used to say something about dumb women who are incredibly hot: she’s so hot, she’s smart. well, salma hayek is so hot, she speaks English well. she’s fucking William shakespearre is who she is)


From left, Salma Hayek, Dame Judi Dench and Taraji P. Henson, who performed the song "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" from "Hustle & Flow."
i'll take door number 1

shakespearre introduces yitzak perlman, who plays his fiddle while clips from nominated films are played in the background. it's the dumbest thing i've seen this year, and i've been to the post office twice already. zing!

brokeback wins best score. i liked the score alright. no complaints here. fitting that salma gave the award; the winner can barely speak English. during his speech, they show heath ledger, whose wearing an earring on his right ear, which is the gay ear. hmmm.

9.57. jake gyllenhall (star) comes out, looking weirdly ken-like. during his speech about whatever, they show heath, who also has earring in right ear. phewww.

after, js says 'i cant wait till later, when we get to see oscar's tribute to montages.’

not bad.

10.00 j. alba (star, barely) and eric bana (star) come out to present for sound mixer. who the hell cares.

10.04 lily tomlin (big star, comedy legend) and 13 time(!) nominee meryl streep (LEGEND) come out. they both look good. they engage in a clever repartee which is an homage to Robert altman. actually, it's VERY clever and nuanced, they’re two all stars, and they hit it out of the park.

I really love them both, and due to their talent, find them both to be very hot. it also works that way, although not as frequently: she’s so talented, she’s hot.

btw, I think this is a big diff. btwn men and women.
men: she’s so hot, she’s smart.
women: he’s so smart, he’s hot.

brady: don’t leave me under the stairs again, clark gable.

10.06. Robert altman gets his honorary oscar and gives a classy speech. he says to him, instead of several films, he’s just made 'one long film.' i liked that.

at the end, altman reveals that ten years ago, he got a full heart transplant from a young (30?) woman!! damn!! classy the way he mentioned it.

if I could get one organ from Hollywood, I think it would be brad pitt’s skin. wait, I messed up—I meant Charlie sheen’s nostril—wait, not that….i’ll take denzel washington’s left knee. not the right one.

9.20 ludacris presents best song. he does a good job. he could cross over. id buy it.
three 6 mafia give a performance of 'hard out here for a pimp.' i heard the movie’s good, but im not a fan of this song. then again, rap music almost never sounds good live on tv.

look for the follow up smash hit: ‘it’s even harder out here being a whore.’


Three 6 Mafia won an Oscar for the song "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp," from "Hustle & Flow."

10.23. queen latifah gives best song to ‘hard out here.’

the group gives a fun, happy, slightly absurd speech, which has js laughing. good times. they seemed fun.

10.30 ahh! the in memoriam clip tribute. you lived for 80 years, you were in movies for 60 years, we've whittled it all down to two seconds, slammed it next to a bunch of other clips of other recently dead peope, and made a great clip show! that's the imprint your life made. and now it's gone. we hope your kids tivoed it.

isn’t one of the great conumdrums of life that dead people cant see the classy tributes to them? I really think it’s a shame.

(I fall asleep)

3 AM. and wake up just in time to see that ‘crash’ wins best picture. I never saw it, I don’t care. im half comatose by now.

the brady blurry pics.

a rose by any other name?

the other night at my birthday dinner, my sister, whom i have taken to calling 'simone,' trumped me, nay, checkmated me, in a game i've been playing with myself--not even with, nor against her--for as long as i can remember.

most people who know me know that people's names are very important to me. accordingly, i have long daydreamed--as i suppose most people have, really--about what i would name my first child (and as luca brasi would say, may my first child be a masculine child), perpetually coming up with what i think are great names, then trying to top them.


well, my sis came up with a name--yes, a boy's name--that raises the bar to a height that i dont think i can surmount. so, i think this might create a race--a la g-costanza racing his friend to conceiving a male, whom he could name seven--between my sister and i, to conceiving a male first. (bearing in mind that neither of us can fathom having kids in less than, say, 50 years from now...)


anyhoo, that name, which simone came up with, is captain. personally, i think it's perfect. it's unique, cute-when-he's-young & cool-when-he's-older, and perhaps best of all, ego-boosting and affirming. imagine everyone--relatives, then friends, then teachers, then colleagues, calling you 'captain.' i really think it's marvelous. captain brin.

(btw, im not implying with these pics that my kid should rightly have a 1/4 chance of being a baseball legend, and a 3/4 chance of being a cartoon. these are simply the iconic captains i know and love.)

mr. jones.

i know, i have been lax with posting. so i want to again call attention to someone who has been doing some great, interesting and educational blogging: r. stanton jones. i do have some ok sh*t in his comments sections.