le eye.

ately ive done posts about the hand and the ear, so i thought id do another sensory organ: the eye. this is my first stab at jack handey-esque humor:

of all the senses, the eye is the most important, because without it you would be eaten by some kind of bear. you wouldnt smell him with your puny nose, and you wouldnt hear him because the footfalls of any bear are drowned out by the sound of rain, and it is raining now. and if bears love anything, it’s a good downpour. really gives em an appetite. so you need your eyes to see the bear coming, then to run without bumping into a tree or another bear - they like to travel together. this is why everyone has two working eyes - because everyone needs a spare. or at least everyone has one working eye and a glass eye. they are doing marvelous things with glass eyes nowadays, but i still wouldnt suggest switching to two. it’s not like capping your teeth.

just think about where youd be without the use of your eyes. youd be like stevie wonder or ray charles or the creepy blind woman who lived in the building i grew up in. see, pardon the pun, there's a 66 percent chance youd be a musical genius, but there’s also a 33 percent chance youd be a creep. and who likes those odds? and what happened to the final one percent?

i am the type of person where, if i was blind and needed an eye transplant, id wait until my favorite color was in stock. im patient.

any linguist worth his salt will tell you that the eye is the most important part of the body – else, why would we choose its homonym – i – as the first-person subject? and what kind of a word is homonym anyway, you should then ask the linguist.

some people think the eyes are the window to the soul. this means that compared to asians, other people have bay windows. but what they dont tell you is that the mouth is the door and the ears are the chimney. unless you live in an apartment, in which case the ears are central air ducts. or in some cases, wall units.

care of the eyes is very important. when not in use, you should always cover your eyes with a dry cloth so the oils inside your eyelids don’t slowly erode your corneas. this may not be comfortable, but neither is getting eaten by one or two soaking bears because you have no corneas. remember, everything is to some extent a compromise.

the eye is made of many parts, but the funniest parts are the vitreous humour and the macula. ironically, the aqueous humor is quite surly. some people think the lens and the retina are the most important parts of the eye, but that is only in terms of vision.

some animals have multiple lenses in their eyes, like the common housefly, which has thousands. this is why flies are not as afraid of laser eye surgery - all those lenses to burn.

the bald eagle supposedly has vision that is eight-times better than that of humans. and yet amazingly, people have protested against its extinction. i for one depend on the use of spectacles to avoid bears, and i don’t need the eagle showing me up. i mean, he can fly, what does he need that great vision for? the point is, the lord works in mysterious ways. the lord, by the way, has millions of lenses in each of his five eyes. and in four out of those five eyes, his vision is better than or equal to that of any eagle, but in the fifth, he is legally blind. so unless he is wearing those ‘crazy’ glasses, do not get in a car with him. (do not tell him his glasses look crazy, either. he paid a lot for them, and he thinks they look retro-cool. what a tool, that guy.) should you decide to say ‘eff it, it’s god, what could possibly happen’ and get in the car anyway, you should also know he is indeed an organ donor.

you can tell if someone is lying by looking in their eyes. blue means a lie, brown means truth, and green eyes mean ‘not enough information.’

many people think eyelashes are meant to keep gook out of the eye. these people are imbeciles.

there are many great songs about the eyes, including ‘lyin eyes’ by the eagles, ‘bette davis eyes’ by kim carnes, ‘eye of the tiger’ by survivor and ‘girls girls girls’ by mötley crüe. eye doctors generally keep a mix of these types of songs to play in their waiting rooms. if your doc is not playing an eye pop song when you come in, id wonder how the rest of his preparation is going. and is he even in-network? and would it bother you to go to a female doctor once in a while, you pig?

the eye is also a fundamental part of law. hence the term, from hammurabi’s code, ‘an eye for an eye.’ the original draft called for ‘a tooth for a sandwich,’ but it was felt that that didnt seem serious enough. (there were no glass eyes back then, btw. sh*t was serious).

many people like to say that hindsight is 20/20, but these people are usually not using any vision correction in the first place. my personal hindsight is 20/100, but my foresight is 20/50.

until chrissy columbus, everyone and their mother thought eyes were flat. then columbus plucked one of his eyes out to give to ferdinand and isabella as collateral, and everyone saw that eyes were round, and eye sockets were filled with lots of 'salsa rojo.' the first glass eye was actually invented for columbus as the spanish didn’t want homeboy showing up in the new world looking like a freak. upon his return to spain, the king and queen offered columbo his old eye back, but he much preferred the new one by then. plus, the original eye had been pecked at by a hawk, and kept slipping out. sometimes cc wore it around his neck though, until he realized this only encouraged more hawks to peck at it, often missing and pecking at his adam’s apple, which was very painful.