mazal tov.

mrs. noodle, youre the best. and it is an honor for me to know that your children will know the key story as family gospel.

palm, i cant wait to see you walk down that trail of tears of joy. and may i suggest tying the knot on leap day?

ps - please register somewhere that is cash only.

my job is interfering with my blog.

what kind of a world is this?

quote 25. (a little racism for the last day of hanukkah.)

yes, the only people in the world whom it seems to me the jews are not afraid of is the chinese. because, one, the way they speak english makes my father sound like lord chesterfied; two, the insides of their heads are just so much fried rice anyway; and three, to them we are not jews but white—and maybe even anglo-saxon. imagine!

-philip roth, portnoy's complaint

the truth is never far behind.

geys and dolls.

ive always wanted to see a geyser.

did you know that only about a thousand of them exist, and half of them are in yellowstone no less!

(as an aside, id like to mention that i can rarely think of yellowstone without jellystone coming to mind. hey there, booboo!)

also according to wikitikitembo, the word geyser comes from the icelandic verb gjósa - to gush.

ive been thinking about it, and ive come to realize i dont want to see a geyser so much for the thing itself as i do just to know that the force behind it exists. id like that tangible proof.

ok, seeing it would be pretty effing cool too.

lawyers in love.

ive been dvr-ing an old favorite, l.a. law, on the americanlife tv network, every sunday night.

in my youth, the characters on this show might as well have been apostles. i mean, i wasnt only a fan of l.a. law; i revered it. i remember - after tammy m. had given me a watchman with a b&w lilliputian screen for my bar mitzvah - watching the show on it, underneath my covers, if my pops felt i was supposed to be in bed by then (my state-ordered bedtimes seemed to vacillate).

anyway, when i noticed americanlife was rerunning it, of course i had to get back on board.

unfortunately, although i still maintain that l.a. law was ahead of its time, much of the show now seems either dated or simply unwatchable. for instance, i fast-forward through anything involving abby, stuart, ann, benny and sometimes even arnold, who used to be my fave. many of the scenes with those cats look like they should be watched through hardened amber.

HOWEVER, the show still shines in many, many places, and the relationship between michael and grace is one of those areas. this has got to be one of the best tv romances of all time - highlighted by michael stealing grace away from her wedding while wearing - literally - an ape suit.

before that gem, though, there was the beginning of their romance. i saw this scene sunday night, and i thought it was so cleverly written that i knew id have to blog it:

INT. GRACE'S OFFICE - NIGHT

MICHAEL KUZAK, thirtiesish attractive defense lawyer, enters the office of thirtiesish attractive L.A. Assistant D.A., GRACE VAN OWEN.

GRACE
Mr. Kuzak. To what do I owe this pleasure?

MICHAEL
Well, I was in the neighborhood. I thought I'd drop by. This used to be my office.

GRACE
Really?

MICHAEL
Look, I don't know how you feel about stuff like this, but if we promise not to talk about work, would you like to get some dinner?

GRACE
Mr. Kuzak, I have three rules, two of which being I never date lawyers, and I never date anyone I work with.

MICHAEL
Well, what's number three?

GRACE
You already disqualified on one and two.

MICHAEL
Well, here's a hypothetical. If you and I were to take separate cars and meet up at Musso and Frank, would that constitute a date?

GRACE
Yes, definitely.

Grace begins to gather her belongings.

MICHAEL
(eager)
How about this. You and I. Musso and Frank. Separate cars. Dutch.

GRACE
A cheap date.

MICHAEL
(excited)
I go to Musso and Frank. I grab a seat at the counter. I'm sitting there eating my lamb chops when you happen to fall by for a house salad to go. 'Hey, nice to see ya. Sit down. Take a load off.' Now, you can't tell me that that's a date.

Grace is ready to leave the office.

GRACE
No, not to the strict letter of the law.

They enter the corridor, and start the walk to the elevator.

MICHAEL
So, you got a date tonite?

GRACE
No.

MICHAEL
Gotta eat.

GRACE
I thought maybe I'd grab a salad or something at Musso and Frank.

MICHAEL
Nice place - I go there myself now and again.

They stop at the elevator. Grace presses the button.

MICHAEL
So are you gonna tell me?

GRACE
What?

MICHAEL
Rule number three.

The elevator door opens. Grace and Michael walk into a packed car. As they walk in, so everyone in the elevator can hear it:

GRACE
I never sleep with a man on the first date

FADE OUT.

middling office thought 1.

to me, staples are like contact lenses. theyre both so small, that whenever i have to dispose one of them, i just chuck it indeterminately in the air around me. to me, the difference between actually throwing it in the garbahge and letting it vanish in some corner or crevice is negligible to the point that i might as well have the fun of the indeterminate chuck.

the only instance in which this sop has even remotely come back to bite me in the ass is the fact that on my bathroom floor, betwixt the toilet and sink, there lies a tile that permanently wears a flattened blue-tinted contact lens, like a little yarmulke (happy hanukkah btw! :)

much like a tim robbins play, that thing is embedded. youd think it would be easy to pry a contact lens from a ceramic tile, but much like posh and becks, two have become one.

id need a chisel, at least.

my sister calls it 'sperm.'

proposed 'missed connections' ad for craigslist.

WHEN: the new museum's free opening, round midnight dec. 2

YOU: the tall glass of contrived apathy, poured into a gumby-colored dress and topped with a chiseled face, festooned with one of the pointier noses ive seen since woody woodpecker. you, ambling around the galleries as if you werent courting attention. boots up to your eyes.

WE: any one of the three dudes loosely orbiting around and eye-raping you from floors 5 to 3. we, mocking the mockery of the exhibit to our shared korean (female) chaperone, who was prolly being gawked at herself.

ps - im still cold.