from here to eternity: the 2008 oscars running diary.

i couldnt not do it this year. tis more of a basilica tradition than erroneous sports predictions and obama praising, and thats saying something. of course, i must now link to the nascent and hilarious 2006 oscars diary and the sophomoric and sophomoric 2007 oscars diary.

before the start of the diary proper, here are some general predictions. no country will win too many statues, but that's ok b.c the cohen bros. deserve it on account of past snubs; blood wont win enough; ppl will fawn all over juno in a classically american overcompensatory manner which in the past has inflated the likes of shakespeare in love, little miss sunshine, and elian gonzalez; ddl will def win best actor - hes like the secretariat of nominees this year.

now on to the diary. all times are eastern standard.

8.31 pm - turns out arnold s was driving the cgi truck which was at the center of the beginning montage. i cant believe hes the governor. that gets me every time i see him in a movie.

i like jon stewart; hes funny. hes not very funny, however, as many think. very funny is will ferrell, or chris rock, or eddie murphy, or george carlin. ellen degeneres, like rock, a former host, is very funny. jon stewart shouldnt feel too bad, though; yet another former host, steve martin, isnt even funny. steve martin is mildly amusing to grating.

one shot of jack n already. things that used to be good that now need to go away: the simpsons, jack n, ralph nader. btw, nader is running again? really? this guy ran in 2000 on the premise that there was no difference btwn bush and gore. which is to say that now, he has all the credibility of roger clemens.

its likely that if nader hadnt run in 2000, gore would have won florida, and we wouldnt be in iraq right now, and the next prez wouldnt have to remedy bush's environmental policy atrocities, stem cell research shortcomings, etc, on down the line. so the question is, who can nader's candidacy benefit besides nader himself? maybe mccain, and that's it. as palm says, 'we need to waterboard nader.'

ok, back to the diary.

8.33 - stewart is already bombing, joking about the writer's strike.

8.34 - this is terrible.

8.34 - already two shots of ddl in the audience. tonite, hes more of a lock than ashton leaving demi within five years.

8.35 - js makes really predicatable joke about javier bardem's hair in no country looking like dorothy hamill. js might have to be downgraded to mildly amusing.

js makes a joke about hillary. its ok.

8.38 - js makes silly jokes about dennis hopper being drugged out. huh? this is current? where are the oj jokes?

8.39 - terrible joke about how we should stay the course with iraq-themed movies. yuck. then, an ok joke about oscar, at 80, being a repub frontrunner. not bad.

btw, no country for old men is so gonna be overused as a joke about mccain in the coming mos. its not even funny.

8.41 – excellent joke comparing barack hussein obama to fictitious former candidate 'gaydolf titler.' that was great. js saved the best for last. still - opening monologue grade: C.

8.42 – jennifer garner is hot, but she doesn't do it for me.

no, i would not kick her out of bed.

8.44 - clip of babs' 'hello gorgeous' moment. say what you want about babs streisand; shes had ridiculous careers in two industries. its like j.lo is deion sanders, but streisand was bo jackson. trust me, that makes sense.

8.47 - george clooney flubs some lines but still comes off classy. clooney looks like he was born in a tuxedo.

8.48 - montage - 80 years of oscars shows. i love clip montages. especially when they show dead people. wow, chaz chaplin was very classy at the end there.

8.51 - js makes a good joke about watching lawrence of arabia on an iphone, sarcastically turning it on its side for the 'widescreen' version. very anthropological/sociological.

8.53 - im tired of steve carell. i think everyone is, but were not allowed to admit it.

8.54 - i cant believe there was another friggin penguin movie this year. really?

i am then saddened to recognize jeff bridges's voice in the clip from the movie. that hurts.

8.59 - js makes funny joke wherein he pretends to sing the song from enchanted, under the guise that he is gonna perform the nominations for best song.

9.01 - amy adams, singing a song from enchanted, scares me. no one should be allowed to enjoy themselves as much as shes enjoying singing this song, which i happen to like.

9.02 - catherine zeta-jones and michael douglas both scare and worry me. do these people actually exist?

9.19 - predictably, javier bardem wins for best supporting actor. i really dont get the big deal about him in no country. honestly, would someone tell me how that performance was so earth-shattering? also, he looks like jeremy piven. and then javier su mismo even makes a joke about his hair in no country. ENOUGH ALREADY. we get it. his hair was silly-looking. end of story.

9.27 - i like this 'raise it up' song from ''august rush,' a movie i only just heard of.

9.28 - owen wilson becomes the first actor to attempt suicide and present an oscar in the same calendar year. well done owen!

9.30 - a lot of foreign people keep winning. im just saying.

9.38 - tilda swinton becomes the first best supporting actress winner named after a keystroke.

9.46 - js acknowledges his own jack n joke as compulsory. good for him.

9.53 - i like kristin chenoweth; she was on the west wing. it was later west wing, but still. shes one of these stage performers who have a shit eating grin on their face the entire time theyre performing. i like seeing people enjoying themselves like that; its attractive. this song, 'thats how you know,' is good too.

10.00 - EXCELLENT joke referring to the pregnant women in the audience, ending with js saying 'and the baby goes to...angelina jolie.' i liked that.

10.02 - seth rogan and the dude from superbad come out to present something. they are supposed to be the night's 'cool dorks.' but theyre just 'authentic dorks.'

10.08 - a clip montage of best actresses shows that faye dunaway was ridiculously hot, which i knew. if i had a time machine it would be tough to decide which seventies woman id like to hit on: faye or stevie nicks.

10.09 - forest whitaker presents best actress award. i haven't seen juno, but if ellen page wins ill be angry....frenchy wins. frenchy, whose name is marion cotillard, looks like rose mcgowan. like, tres rose mcgowan. she thanks 'life' and 'love.' laughter, coming to us via satellite feed, had no comment on the apparent snub.

10.17 - js and some rando girl do a bit with wii tennis. not funny, but props for the effort and mention of wii tennis.

10.18 - for two irishmen, colin farrell looks like the roger clinton to daniel day lewis's bill clinton. trust me, that makes sense.

10.21 - this song, 'falling slowly,' is not bad. the dude, glen hansard, looks like john c. mcginley and sounds like cat stevens. apparently hes involved with the broad, markéta irglová. good for them.

10.22 - ill say this about jack nicholson – hes a good presenter. many of the actors have a surprisingly tough time reading cue cards - kinda like nba players struggling at the charity stripe. (that means shooting free throws, girls and danny.)

10.25 - montage of all the best picture winners. i am reminded of d.colemen, my english teacher first semester senior year at stuy. he told us that we should always put great titles on our papers, cuz why wouldnt we? some of these movies had really excellent titles: all quiet on the western front, it happened one night, gone with the wind, how green was my valley, from here to eternity, the bridge on the river kwai, lawrence of arabia, in the heat of the night, one flew over the cuckoo's nest, kramer vs. kramer, terms of endearment, out of africa. no country and twbb followed suit, the record should show. even atonement is a good title.

10.30 - i still havent seen juno, but the bourne ultimatim should have been nominated for best pic over it. either that or the overrated mike clayton.

10.31 - nicole kidman is wearing the dumbest necklace ive ever seen. its like a triple necklace. it looks like bunting. shes presenting an honorary award to a 98 year-old production designer robert boyle. really? they couldnt give it to him any earlier, so he could actually enjoy it? what - he did something in the past ten years that pushed him over the top? so very asinine.

10.34 - this guy looks good for 98. the audience is giving him a standing o just for not dying.

10.48 - this thing really drags on. saying that is like commenting on the sizes of snacks at the movies, but still.

10.49 - john travolta comes out to thank scientology for degaying him.

jk. he's still gay.

10.51 - enchanted had sixty percent of the nominations for best song, but still managed to lose to cat c. mcginley and his gf. clearly, someone was disenchanted. HAHA!

eternity - ddl, and no country won the rest of the big awards. i fell asleep. blah blah blah.